Blooming Above an Affair
In my nine years of marriage, I have never experience so much pain, despair, anger, and sadness in my life. I even became suicidal two years ago, with the feeling of worthlessness, rejected, betrayed, not good enough, not pretty enough, my hair was not long enough (she has long hair), my butt was not big enough (hers was), I wasn’t sexy enough (she was smaller), and the list could go on.
For some women’s story, the affair happened with someone they have never seen, in mine, that woman was my best friend. We would go shopping or to the spa together, in Haiti. I was introduced to her as “childhood friend of my husband, they grew up together and were former girlfriend before he went on his religious service for two years ( an LDS mission)
Can you fathom my disappointment by a husband who encourages you to become friend with “his best friend he grew up with” and then realize what was really going on years later?
But wait, what was I thinking? they were former lovers who grew up together. But… she was married as well when I was introduced to her… grrr… And why would I have any thoughts, I trusted my spouse with my whole heart, body, spirit and soul.
I found out about this affair AFTER we both moved to Utah together. I found out on MY OWN. On an old phone we used in Haiti. I read all their deep long loving conversations, I saw how many years this had gone on, I saw every text with details. There was a conversation that was ON MY BIRTHDAY. There was a conversation where he talked about how he does NOT love his wife. I saw the “..she s home… I gotta go, I ll see you latter “ I cant wait to do …this… or …that… to you “ Ouch!!!! Can you feel my bleeding heart!?
This unbearable experience grew my daily insecurity, my holding back to pursue my passion for music and creativity. I am normally a loving person but I found myself living with a space of hate for someone in my heart. I was gaining unexplained weight. I had started to even question myself, wondered if I was worthy enough to become a mother.
Sometimes I think I must have been the stupidest human in the world, ( I am sure you are thinking the same thing as well at this point)
But you know what, I was loyal, respectful of their “friendship”, and innocent. I thought everyone around me were these things too.
That woman cried her eyes out at our farewell party, the night before we moved to Utah. I was so sad for her, we were the only “friends” she had. One time, my spouse even suggested that we travelled to the LDS temple with her to help with her personal spiritually with a process called “endowment”. Yes, you read that right. Right now you might be wondering where were my own intuitions. Trust me they were loud and clean, BUT, I shut them up, I was brain washed by someone who had layers of lies pain over his own eyes. So I betrayed my own intuitions, I relied on blindly trusting. How could he choose wrong, he was the park of the bishopric. the highest leaders in our ward /church. I needed some amazing grace to not explode.
When I found out, we were both fresh international students at UVU for a couple of years, so I had NO ONE to talk to. I didn’t grow up understand the process of therapy. I couldn’t even put words on what I was feeling. I didn’t even have a private place to scream and yell because we were living with our scholarship sponsors. I didn’t trust anyone. I didn’t want the friends who helped us move here to know about it and lost trust in both of us. I was also protecting my spouse’s image, because he still held high church callings in our new ward. So, I had to fake happiness for a long time while bleeding inside.
I was ashamed, lonely, suffering in silent, PREGNANT with my first child, in a new country that I was very limited in, as an international student. So back then divorce was plainly impossible for me.
I was miles away from my mom and brother, I was scared to even tell them over the phone what was going on, because I am from a culture where, when a men cheat is seems a bit more ugly on the woman. You ll probably be asked, “ what are you not doing right”?.
If it is the other way around, there is a 99.9% chance that this man will physically assault this woman and it is totally ok in my culture, because “how dare she”? I was already doing a great job at asking myself. “was I not being good in bed enough?”. “Is my speaking not soft enough”? ‘What is wrong with me”? So I buried that story in my soul, like a sharp knife constantly stabbing my guts.
1- You have kids.
This is one of the statement I hated from some councilors or friends the most: “ Well, you guys have kids ”…. uhn.… I wanted to leave WHILE I was pregnant. Why? Because I am worth it too. It felt like no one cared about MY well being as well. None of them would ask a genuine “ how are you feeling today, how is your heart”?
First of all, the kids need a sane, healthy and alive mom. And I promise you they would have that if I was peacefully alone with them. They also need to see love and respect between their parents. This is why I had a perfect testimony on why people take their lives. I thought everyone would be so much better off without me, it felt like I was the problem.
We live in world where people focus on the outside of situations more than a human well-being. This is why we have so many broken souls around us. Affairs are being glamorized and the person who got cheated on shut down their true self because “ they got kids”… “he got the money” they need to “keep the glam”. When in reality, if you could see through a woman s heart after such an experience, and feel their pain, you would not sleep at night.
A few other reasons I buried this pain inside:
2- I was reminded often to “stop bringing up old stuff that s in the past” Listen to me, If you think you can heal something by just “not talking about it “ and then it ll naturally vanish, I am here to tell you that IT – DOES – NOT- work this way. Affairs have to be faced head on to be able to even start the process of healing.
3- “forgive and forget quickly” oh was I wrong. One church leader told me exactly that. “this stays in the past, don’t ever bring it up again, burn those conversations you found” Gosh!!! I thought that was a good council. During my own deep research and studies on the journey through healing myself, I found that this was a very big self-damaging thing to do. When you have been through something like this, you must grapple with your pain and anger first and start slowly rebuild trust, before you can truly forgive your spouse forgive yourself, and save the relationship if possible. Find out for yourself what science or scriptures can teach us about real forgiveness and the process of healing
4- I didn’t want to make my spouse feel impatient with me. I was worried that he would be mad that I couldn’t get over it quickly. Can you feel that pain? This should NEVER BE a thing. I have learned that it is OK to be mad. It’s ok to have concerns. Trigger storms WILL come after such a traumatic experience and its OK. It’s ok to ask deep and clarifying questions whenever you have them. It’s ok to snap some days. I have learned to manage my triggers with some beautiful inner work.
If you have heard me speak before, you know that I am from a broken family myself. My mom has marks on her face from my dad hitting her. My dad left us without an official divorce when I was six. He came back for one visit when I was 12, and I have never seen him since then. This is a “typical” story of men in my home country.
For about a year my spouse and I had done therapy, I have not met a councilor who truly understood the depth of my trauma. It felt like I was suppose to just learn a few things and fix the situation itself. No one cared about my heart. It was all about the “fit it, and do it quick”… “One therapist even told us… “ oh you guys are gonna be ok, I can feel that, you look so good together..” Imagine my eye roll.
I was desperate for help, for someone who to hear me out and understand. I was bitting myself up daily. I was begging the Lord to heal my family, heal my broken heart, heal my marriage, heal my relationship.
I Prayed for my spouse more than I prayed for my own self. Because I still loved this man, but I refused to be loved the wrong way. I Needed a good reason to trust again, I wanted to be respected, I wanted to respect him. I had to learn to Be Still again. I was not going to settle for just what I had.
I FEW THINGS THAT BECAME CLEAR TO ME
- It was NOT my fault. There was none, absolutely no excuse to justify this action. And if my spouse was a responsible person at that time, he would would have said these exact things to me with reassurance.
- It was almost impossible to heal this relationship with such history when he was still sitting high on ego and denial.
- This was my story, I had to own it, face it, seek my own personal growth, my own healing, in a way that resonate and make sense to heart. Which is the reason I produce the Be Still Album, and wrote a healing personal growth journal.
I lost count on how many times I firmly and peacefully asked for a divorce during my journey. I refused to just settle and let it be on issues that would never serve my relationship. I refused to stop talking about bad habits that wasn’t working for my sanity. I was ready to leave when I didn’t know where to go, because I WOULD NOT just accepts what we had. If you follow me on social media you know that my family is my precious treasure. It s not easy to “break it”. I done all I could to keep us together but I want it to be done healthily.
My husband and I are still NOT in a perfect place yet, but we made it to a place where we can disagree and still focus on the big picture, which includes our own well being, our own healing, our own personal and spiritual growth. We are still working on ourselves and our family.
We are on a good road to recovery. I don’t know how it will all look like five years from now. But I can promise you it will either be the way its suppose to be OR we ll both move on peacefully on different path.
The truth is until the person who had betrayed you truly looks within, seek personal growth, seek their own healing, they wont see or feel the pain they caused to others. This is why I feel safe, and happy in our relationship now.
When that beautiful moment take place they will start to get their priority straight, learn the proper steps to take on the road to recovery, and do anything in their power to save what s left in the relationship if there is any.
Our common ground now is that we love each other and won’t easily give up on each other because we want the same things, and are committed to them.
Ladies, it’s not until a man discovered himself, heal himself unhealthy pattern, find his own clarity that your broken, unhealthy marriage will start to heal. If you want to settle for something that is just NOT working in the name of “unconditional love” Being a “ ride or die chick” go ahead, and good luck. But if you and your partner want to be in a better place, seek the right kind of healing.
If you want to but he doesn’t want to… phew… I am so sorry. But STILL SEEK YOUR OWN HEALING and bloom. Take all the time you need to heal your heart.
Messy marriage is not a light problem. It won’t fix itself. It won’t just go away with “time” or when you are financially stable. In fact, the more money you have, the more problem you might discover, because remember you have unresolved issues. And let me tell you that they grow at different steps in your marriage.
If you have a partner that is yelling at you like a kid in trouble, they wont “just change when….” You have to address it as a serious issue that need focus. If you get stressed out or afraid they ll be mad at you for being concerned about a real issue, they wont just change the next morning. You have to step up, make your point across, speak up and set healthy boundaries on what you ll tolerate and not.
When professional help is seek, demand complete transparency. Take no BS. I finally found a relationship coach who does NOT take crap and she would actually say it “This is bull shit …” I was like YAS girl!!!! Speak on it. I was tired of the little religious therapist who would only keep their focus on unfair forgiveness topics, without wanting to go in deep into your story. Like did you JUST HEARD my story? Am I crazy or…? How, do I quickly forgive and move on?
Some people wont realize or take the responsibly when they are actually bull shitting you, until they hear it loud and clear from you or a real coach.
If you have similar story like us, I am sorry, I feel you, I hear you. Not everyone has the same story but all stories matter and is very important to the person suffering in silent.
I took the decision to openly share this story to the world, on a mission to create a community with others going through similar stories, and especially to break and debunk that myth to young Haitian people. Hiding this story would do more damage to the world than good. I wouldn’t want anyone to go through what we have gone through, and I am 99% sure that most couple wouldn’t make it that far.
The statistic of Haitian men cheating, emotionally and physically abusing women is at a devastating high rate. And this statistic is sadly from men who are really broken, and need a lot of healing for themselves. This should NOT be a “ culture”. And if it is considered as one, I personally take the responsibly to become a coach that train married women who are going through similar issues to BREAK that circle.
I am creating an online community especially for women who have been cheated on and experiencing trauma from it. Iam determined to help this community learn how to:
* Heal their heart, the very first step.
*Rise up and bloom
*Clearly set healthy boundaries for themselves and in a relationship.
*Take their power back through education, self-growth, self-care and confidence by creating a side hustle to make their own money.
*Learn the correct steps to truly heal a broken marriage (if both partners have the same desire)
My goal is to inspire as many women as I can all around the world
I am launching a podcast next week call –The Marj Drop Talk. It will be on all streaming platforms like apple podcast, Google podcast, or Spotify. If you are on Anchor FM you can search it now listener to my first morning devotional episode on it.
I am seating with some incredible inspiring people who have influenced me to become better at taking care of my self and my heart. Every week I will release an episode that is a must listen to, so stay tune. I will share the first episode as soon as its ready.
You can also join me every morning on The Marj Drop TaIk daily morning guided devotional. I released one yesterday morning. You can go and listen on Anchor fm now. You can also leave me voice messages on the podcast if you would like me to answer any questions during an episode, or you can email email@example.com any toughs you would like to sent.
I invite you to share this blog through your platform to reach people who might need this community I am creating
Some might say I am brave to share such shameful story. The truth is I am not brave, and I could careless about “shame”. What I am is aware. I am aware that I am not the only one who went trough this. And someone out there is suffering in silence right now just like I was.
I love you all so much
I cant wait to be in your ears on the Podcast